


Cycles

by AHappyPup



Series: Hang in there, Darling [1]
Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, F/F, Podfic Welcome, self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-06-13
Packaged: 2018-04-04 04:26:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4125456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHappyPup/pseuds/AHappyPup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There's the dictionary definition of ennui and then there's Angie's definition of annui.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cycles

Angie could feel it in her chest when she woke up. Today was not going to be a good day. That overwhelming sense of guilt and angst felt as if it could swallow her whole, her pillows and quilt holding her hostage. 

“Ennui,” she would tell Dottie when she had banged on her door that morning. It was safe enough of a word to tell an outsider, not that she wanted to talk to Dottie much anyway. She knew it was stupid, but there was just something about the way English had talked to Dottie the other night. As if English were flirting with the new girl, especially after royally blowing her off. It felt almost like she was jealous.

Jealousy, what a stupid thought. How could she feel jealousy for a woman who most definitely did not feel the same way she did.

Oh what a stupid, stupid girl she was. Why couldn’t she just be normal like her older sisters and drool over boys? It would be better for everyone if she were that way.

“Mio caro, why do you not bring a young man home with you?”

“You will be 24 by year’s end, and we must find you a match.”

“Angela, there is a perfectly good boy here from church. Give him a shot, no?”

But she couldn’t properly turn down any of those offers, even in the comforts of her mind without condemning herself to hell. So for now she was just to suffer the countless family dinners.

Angie bundled herself down into her quilt further, hoping it would block out the negative thoughts that ran rampant in her mind. A tear slipped out, And then another and another. She desired comfort, but the one person she wanted it from- well she wasn’t she wouldn’t get brushed off.

The events from the week prior still rang in her head. Peggy had brushed off her offer of pie and schnapps, claiming to be exhausted though Angie is sure she heard her sneak out not 15 minutes later. She had apologized the next day, yes; but she could read the apprehension on English’s face the other night at dinner. And Angie couldn’t help but remember other occasions English had blown her off.

The ache in her chest only grew heavier and her tears flowed as freely as ever. Eventually the sobs exhausted her, and she fell into an uneasy sleep.

—

Sleep brought no comfort to her.

Her dreams were plagued with nightmares. Silly ones that shouldn’t have bothered her, like being hit in the face with a baseball, and awful ones that hurt, like her mother learning about her real feelings.

The cycle continued all day. Sleep, nightmare, cry, repeat.

She wished Peggy would get home soon. A cup of tea, a little schnapps mixed in, good conversation. Surely that would help.

—

“Miss Martinelli?” Oh grand. Miss Fry. “Miss Martinelli? Are you in there?” Angie could hear the soft click of keys opening her door. 

“Miss Martin- good heavens! Are you ill?”

Angie nodded slowly. It wasn’t a complete lie. Her stomach felt nauseous and her head throbbed. “Just a little under the weather.”

Miss Fry’s eyes widened. “Then you must stay here until you’ve recovered. However,” she pulled a letter from her robe pocket, “Miss Carter left this for you this morning. Perhaps it will help your ailing health.”

Peggy had left her a letter? Why?

“Thank you, Miss Fry.” Angie sniffled woefully, trying to rid herself of Fry. “If you don’t mind, I’d like to go back to sleep.”

“Of course, dear. Stay in bed until you feel well again.” Angie nodded and faked a few coughs, Fry finally leaving her be.

Greedily, she flipped on the light and opened Peggy’s incredibly short letter.

Angie,

There has been a family emergency back home. I hopefully will not be gone too long, but I did not wish to make you worry. Good luck at your audition tomorrow. You are going to ace it for sure this time.

With love,

Peggy.

Gone home? Today of all days? Irrational thoughts clouded her brain.

She probably heard you crying this morning and doesn’t want to deal with you.

She found out you have feelings for her and is running away from you.

She curled back into her fetal position and felt her tears pool up on the pillow. Even her rational thoughts weren’t much comfort. 

She did mention her nana being ill. Perhaps she passed. Poor Peggy…

In her attempt to feel sympathy for the older woman, the gnawing pain in her heart intensified. 

You need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Nothing’s that wrong with your life. Nothing’s the matter…

Her heart and mind had different ideas on the matter though. And thus the cycle began again. She sobbed until she fell asleep, only to be woken by a bad dream. She traced her finger over Peggy’s delicate handwriting wish it was her comforting her as she cried.

—

Two days passed before Angie heard a gentle knocking on her door. “Angie?” a soft British voice spoke. “Are you awake? The girls told me you’ve been ill.”

Angie’s heart fluttered lightly, a nice change of pace from the omnipresent aching. She rubbed at her eyes and put on her robe, trying to make it seem as if she hadn’t been crying for the past two days before she opened the door. 

It was good to see English. “Hi,” Angie said, a tight smile appearing on her face for the first time in several days. “How was Merry Ol’ England?” Her voice was hoarse, much to her dislike.

“Better than here I imagine.” Peggy frowned when she brushed away a bit of a Angie’s hair. “You seem to have a touch of fever.”

She was just warm from lying in bed so much, she supposed. “Perhaps you would like to lie back down? I could make you a cup of tea?” Angie nodded and sat back on her day bed, her blanket covering her legs.

She whimpered a tad when Peggy turned to leave to get tea from her room. Angie hated herself in the seconds afterwards. Peggy was just going to get tea. She would be back in just a moment. Why couldn’t she be a normal functioning- 

“Angie, darling?” Peggy’s voice was soft as she wiped away tears Angie didn’t even realize were falling. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

She shook her head and tucked her legs behind her arms. 

Peggy nodded and got in the small space between the railing and Angie, wrapping an arm around the smaller girl. Angie complied and laid her head on Peggy’s shoulder. “Are you comfortable?” She nodded and tried to focus her attention on Peggy’s beating heart. She could feel Peggy kick off her shoes. Cover them with her quilt. Press a light kiss to her head.

“Good.” 

And it was. One day she would explain. But for now, this, this was good.


End file.
